


A Winter Day

by A_Million_Regrets



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, M/M, One Shot, cry, cry bitch, i want to make you cry muahahaha, this is going to hurt you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 07:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21158255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Million_Regrets/pseuds/A_Million_Regrets
Summary: After months of spending sleepless nights thinking about his ex-husband, Phil decides to go see him again. So he stood in front of the door to Dan's home on a cold, winter day, shivering in the chilly wind and waiting with bated breath to see Dan's face after five long years.





	A Winter Day

Winter. It was a cold, cold winter. The sky was a stormy grey, gloomy clouds scattered all over the vastness like a blotched masterpiece. They drifted slowly, mournfully, as if they were carrying sorrows of weeping children to a place far away. The damp, despondent atmosphere stole Phil's hope, and he wondered if the sun would ever shine again, if the wintry day would ever spit the dreams it had swallowed.

His fingers were as cold as ice, his lips tinted blue as he stood at the entrance to Dan's home, blades twisting in his gut, digging into the wounds of his past. His mind was deliberately blank, empty like the void in his heart. He could hear the clatter of utensils, the faint buzz of the television and excited ramblings of kids from inside the large house. He felt his confidence burning down to the ground, and his hopes turned into ashes right before his eyes. The pain in his chest and a strong sense of nostalgia threatened to break him down, but he fought hard against the emotions that bubbled up his chest.

Phil turned around abruptly. The cold wind bit into his delicate skin, and his heart froze over. He closed his eyes, his brain a swirling, spluttering mess of emotions. He tried to walk away, but his feet won't move. They were planted on the floor firmly as if nailed to the ground. He took a deep breath, and turned around once more. With nothing but sadness in his chest, he raised a trembling hand and tapped his knuckles lightly against the door, his heart in his throat.

~*~

_“We need to talk, Phil,” Dan whispered, his voice filled with painful sadness. He put down the plate he was washing in the sink, and turned around abruptly, froth dripping from his hands to the hardwood floor._

_It was a lazy afternoon, a day like any other day. Phil was sat comfortably, oblivious like he always was. He _ _looked up from where he was sitting, raising an eyebrow at Dan's serious tone. “What?”_

_ “It's just . . .” Dan started, his voice that of a broken man. Phil was instantly alarmed. He sat up, staring at his husband who wouldn't meet his eyes. Dan simply bit his lip and sighed, washing his hands timidly in the sink and walking around to sit down next to Phil on the dining table. “This isn't working.” _

_~*~_

Phil waited.

Waited.

Waited.

Waited.

The anticipation crawled up his throat like a cunning snake, climbing and climbing and climbing, coiling around his throat and choking him. His breaths came out in slight pants, puffs of smoke leaving his cold lips as he waited in the chilly air.

He wondered when the sun would shine again.

The door swung open, fresh scent of coffee and home invading his senses. Warmth crept out of the house in waves, washing over Phil like waves crashing on the shore. Phil's breath caught in his throat when his gaze, blue like a frozen lake, fell upon messy curls and dark brown eyes for the first time in five years. He stared, mesmerised, at the face of his past lover who he hadn't seen or heard from in years. A large lump grew in his throat, and his heart sunk deep down into the depths of his stomach.

Dan stared right back, his eyes so vividly brown, warm like a hot cup of coffee on a cold, winter day. Phil's heart melted like ice on a hot pan, and his eyes fogged up. Dan's hand was frozen on the door, the polite smile he had on his lips slipping from his face as a reluctant recognition dawned in his deep brown eyes.

Phil's heart was beating, using every last bit of energy in his body. _Thud. Thud. Thud. _He could hear the sound of it pulsing in his ears, making him deaf for a full minute. He couldn't stop looking at Dan. He had changed. Phil could barely recognize the boy he loved. His curly hair was swept back, and his face had aged, his once innocent brown eyes now showing a level of maturity that came with adulthood. He was wearing an apron, covered in a slight dusting of flour. A small bit of dough was caught in his hair, and Phil couldn't help but stare helplessly, his heart breaking into a million little pieces.

Dan slammed the door in his face, the sound so abrupt and loud that Phil flinched back, icy water chilling his bones. He stared at the door, feeling as empty as a vacant auditorium. All he could do was lower his eyes in pain, a lump in his throat and a knife in his heart. All he could do was berate himself for the irreversible mistakes he had made, things he had let go, people he had let down. It was his own fault, he reminded himself. He deserved this. He deserved _this._

_~*~_

_“What do you mean?” Phil asked cautiously, stunned. “I thought we were fine._”

_“I don't want to do this anymore,” Dan said quietly, his voice thick with emotion. His hands fumbled with his apron, his breathing irregular. He avoided Phil's eyes, and Phil quickly realized that this was not like before. They had fought before. They had screamed at each other, but this was different. He knew it was, and his heart slowly started to sink. “I want a divorce.”_

_~*~_

The door opened again after a few minutes, revealing an emotional, unstable Dan. His breathing was irregular, his eyes downcast, and his overall demeanour was tense and rigid. “I'm sorry,” he mumbled, opening the door fully. His hands were fumbling with his apron, his eyes avoiding Phil completely. The behaviour was so like the Dan he knew that for a second, hope bloomed in Phil's chest. “I just . . . I didn't expect to see you today. It's been a long time.”

“Five years,” Phil breathed, swallowing the painful lump in his throat. A cold breeze whipped against his skin, and he shivered pathetically. He was cold. So cold. He wondered when the winter would end and the sun would shine again.

“Five years, seven months and two weeks,” Dan whispered, stepping aside to allow Phil entrance. “Come in.”

Phil walked in, the aroma of freshly baked goods and warmth welcoming him home. The place hadn't changed one bit. Everything was the same as it had been when they lived together. Nostalgia and sorrow for the lost things of the past collapsed on top of him, disorienting him, pricking him where it hurt the most. His hasty eyes took in the whole house, _his hom_e, _their home. _He recollected kissing Dan goodbye for the last time on the same exact doorstep, the hurt, the pain, the tears that won't stop spilling out of his eyes. He remembered looking at Dan, at his rosy cheeks damp with tears, and wondering if he would regret it, regret letting him go. He did.

Dan gestured for him to take a seat on the sofa, the same sofa where they held each other every night. Memories hit him all at once. He could see it in front of his eyes, Dan falling asleep on the sofa, carrying him up the stairs. He could hear their past conversations, sounds of Dan's delightful laughs as they ran and chased each other around the house. He could hear their soft pants as they rocked against each other's bodies. He could even hear their fights, their screams, their sobs.

He could taste Dan's tears on his lips, feel his heartbeat on his palm as they kissed each other after heated arguments that always seemed to lead nowhere.

Different memories, tangling and twisting together, overwhelmed him, and his chest ached so _so _bad that for a second, he wanted to run far far away from it all, from Dan and his stupid eyes and his stupid curls. His throat hurt so badly that he couldn't look at Dan, couldn't open his eyes at all, in case the tears spilt down his cheeks.

~*~

_“What?” Phil asked in disbelief, “You . . . you want a divorce?”_

_“Yes,” Dan said, taking a deep breath, “I can't do this anymore.”_

_“But why? I thought we were fine,” Phil said, a lump forming in his throat, “Dan, we are fine. What's the problem?”_

_Dan let out a bitter laugh. “You don't know the problem?”_

_Phil's heart dropped. “No.”_

_Tears filled Dan's eyes, and he looked like he was hurting, hurting so bad. Phil stepped forward to give him a hug, but Dan stopped him with a wave. “I don't need that right now,” he said through clenched teeth._

_Phil was stunned._

~*~

“Why are you here?” Dan asked quietly as they both sat down on the couch.

“I . . .” Phil looked away, unshed tears in his eyes, “I just wanted to see you.”

Dan was silent, and his hands were shaking in his lap. He was staring at the carpeted floor, and the silence was so loud that it roared in Phil's ears, ate at him from the inside.

“Why?” Dan demanded, “Why now?”

Phil's heart sank. Dan's voice was cold, and the warmth inside the house was not enough to warm Phil up. It was unbearable, the voice that pierced his skin like the frosty air outside. He wondered if the winter was here to stay for eternity like an uninvited guest.

“I don't know, I just . . .” Phil's voice was shaky. “I just, I don't know why I'm here. I shouldn't have come.”

“She's mine,” Dan said coldly.

Confusion clouded Phil's thoughts, and he asked, “What?”

“Leah,” he clarified, his eyes fiercely protective. “She's mine. I raised her on my own. If you're here to take her away, I won't let you.”

~*~

“_I don't understand,” Phil said, “What's the matter with you?”_

_Dan let out a strangled laugh. “Wow.”_

_Phil frowned, feeling humiliated, insulted. He couldn't help the words that left his mouth. “Stop acting like a little bitch. Just tell me what the problem is.”_

_Dan looked up angrily. _ _“The problem is that you're never home!” Dan cried, tears shining in his vivid brown eyes. “You just came home two days ago and you're leaving again tomorrow! The problem is that you don't care. You don't fucking care, Phil.”_

_Phil's heart broke like a treasured vase. _ _“That's not true! I do care–”_

_“No, you don't!” Dan screamed, “Don't even try to lie because I know. I know you. You don't care. You don't care that I hurt myself. You know, but you don't care. You don't care what happens to me after you're gone, when there's no one around, when the house is so fucking empty that I can't bear it. You don't know, Phil. You don't know how hard it is, climbing into bed at night, only to be surrounded by your smell, missing you, wanting you to be here, but knowing that you're a million miles away. _

_You don't care that it's hurting me. You don't care that while you're touring the world for your fans, I'm all alone at home, crying myself to sleep every night because I miss you so fucking bad! You don't know how hard it is for me to just wait here day after day, missing you, wanting you, needing you so much that I can't fucking breathe. You don't know how lonely I feel, how alone–” Dan's voice cracked and a few tears slipped down his cheeks, “You don't know because you don't care, and it fucking hurts. It hurts to love you so much when you don't give a shit about me.”_

_“Dan . . .” Phil whispered in shock, his voice thick with sadness. “Baby, I–I didn't mean to–It's my job.”_

_“Phil . . .” Dan whispered sadly, wiping his eyes, “I know your job is important to you, but what about me? What about Leah? Are we not worth your attention?”_

_“Dan, I love you,” Phil said in distress, “You _ ** _are _ ** _important to me.”_

~*~

“I'm not–” Phil swallowed the lump in his throat. “I'm not here to–”

“Dad!” A squeaky voice yells, followed by tiny little footsteps that echoed in the quiet of winter. A girl with bright blue eyes came running towards Dan. “Dad, Jude stole my crayons!”

Dan's eyes snapped to Phil's, an unknown emotion on his face. He slowly turned towards the girl, smiling calmly. “Leah, I'm speaking to someone, okay? Can we discuss this later?”

The girl tilted her head adorably, staring at Phil with confusion, her eyes the colour of the sky on a bright summer day. Her facial features matched that of Phil's. She was a carbon copy of Phil, and Phil's heart squeezed in his chest, his throat closing up. It was his _daughter_, the little girl who was supposed to be his whole world. She was a complete stranger to him, _his own daughter_, and the thought tore him apart, shredded him into pieces.

“Who is he, Daddy?” Leah asked confusedly, eyes fixated on Phil.

Pain shot through Phil's chest. His daughter didn't even know him. He was supposed to be there. He was supposed to be at Dan's side. He was supposed to grow old with him, watch their kids grow up into adults, but so much time had passed. Everything had burned down and ended. He wanted to go back in time so badly. He wanted to go back to laughs and smiles and sunny days.

Dan's eyes locked with his, brown eyes sombre and filled with pain. “He's no one,” he whispered.

Phil was stunned.

~*~

_“She's not well,” Dan sobbed, “She's been sick for days but you don't care about that, do you? You don't care about your own daughter.”_

_“She will be fine,” Phil said desperately, “You're here to take care of her, Dan. She will be fine. I can't quit my job. It's all I've ever wanted.”_

_“What about me?” Dan asked viciously, wiping his tears. “Do you know how hard it is? Knowing that you're somewhere laughing while our daughter is throwing up all over the place? Do you know how fucking scared I was? I called you so many times. I just wanted to hear your voice. I just wanted you to tell me that she'll be okay. Do you remember what you said, Phil?”_

_Phil's chest ached. “I'm sorry.”_

_Dan clenched his teeth and breathed heavily. “Do you remember what you fucking said, Phil?”_

_Phil's eyes turned misty, and he dropped his head into his hands. “Fuck.”_

_“You yelled at me to stop calling you every day. You said that you were busy and that you didn't want me to nag you. Then you hung up on me.”_

_Phil remained quiet, knowing it was true. He had been busy and stressed, and he had taken it out on Dan. He hadn't meant to. It just happened. It just happened and he wished he could take it all back._

“_You've been gone for six months and n__ow you're back for just one day. You're so busy, aren't you, Phil? Our daughter is at the hospital with my mom, but you don't care about that, do you? You just dragged me back here to fuck me like a toy,” Dan screamed, panting, tears streaming down his cheeks. _

_“Baby, that's not true,” Phil pleaded, tears building in his eyes. “That's not true, Dan. I just missed you. Please believe me.”_

_“Do you love me, Phil?” he asked, controlling his tears, his face so broken, Phil couldn't bear to look. _

_“I . . .” Phil hesitated, and Dan flinched back, biting his lip as a new batch of tears slid down his pale cheeks. “No, Dan, I do. I love you. Please . . .”_

_“It's okay, Phil,” Dan whispered, his words coming out in broken sobs. “It's alright. Fuck. I'm so stupid. I can't fucking do this.”_ _ He pulled his hair in frustration, tears cascading down his cheeks. _

_“Dan, please. You can't do this. Don't do this to us. Don't do this, please . . .” Phil was in tears, his voice broken. “Please, baby. You have to trust me. I love you.”_

_“You don't_ _,” he whispered brokenly, “You don't and it fucking hurts.”_

_~*~_

“You didn't . . .” Phil's voice cracked. “You didn't tell her about me. She doesn't . . . she doesn't know me.”

“She doesn't need to know about the father who abandoned her,” Dan spat angrily.

Phil's heart was ice cold. “I didn't–” his voice cracked again, and he swallowed the lump in his throat. “You're the one that wanted a divorce.”

“I wanted _you_,” Dan said slowly, his hands fumbling with the apron. His breathing irregular. “That's all I've ever wanted. You. I wanted you to see how lonely I was, how much I loved you. I wanted you to stop me, tell me you loved me. But you didn't care. You chose your career over me. You walked away without looking back.”

~*~

“_Please, I'll do anything. Don't do this,” Phil implored tearfully._

_“Cancel the tour.”_

_Phil's blue eyes widened, “What?”_

_“Leah is in the hospital,” Dan said, sniffing, “I'm not in the right state of mind to take care of her. She needs you. _ ** _I_ ** _ need you. Can you be there for me? Just once. I really fucking need you, Phil.”_

_Phil stilled, his mouth agape as he stared at the man who was the love of his life. Phil was the lead guitarist of a famous band. When they had first started dating, the band was on the brink of being disbanded. But suddenly, they had gone viral, and their popularity had increased tremendously over a short period of time. Phil had been ecstatic, working all day, barely coming home. It was his dream, his whole life, his everything. _

_Phil wouldn't give it up for anyone, even his own daughter and husband._

_“I can't,” was all he said, his choked voice coming out cold like ice. His blue eyes were hard like a frozen lake on a chilly winter day as he gazed at his husband._

_Dan was stunned._

_~*~_

_“_I'm sorry,” Phil said, choked up, tears slipping from his eyes. “I'm sorry.”

“You're not, Phil,” Dan said, his voice soft like snow. “You're not.”

_“_I am,” he pleaded, “I miss you. I can't stop thinking about–”

“If you could redo the past, go back and change it all again, you still won't choose me,” he whispered shakily, “I meant nothing to you. Why are you even here? To poke at old wounds? To reopen forgotten scars? Is that what you want?”

“I'm here because I–” A piece of ice was stuck in Phil's throat, blocking the frozen words from coming up, “I still–”

“Baby, why is the front door open?”

A cheerful voice interrupted their conversation, followed by sounds of the door closing, shuffling and composed footsteps. Dan's huge brown eyes locked with Phil's blue ones, suppressed emotions floating to the surface. Phil's heart sank into the icy, cold pits of his stomach, sinking deep into the freezing water, his mind a snow storm of hopeless feelings.

He didn't think the sun would ever shine again.

“It's fucking freezing out there,” The man's voice floated through the air towards him, soft and calm. “Can't believe you sent me out to buy you chocolate. I hate you.”

Phil watched silently, regretting every single moment of his life. Dan's eyes were suddenly bright, a small smile gracing his lips as he stood up. A tall, dark haired man with vivid green eyes walked into the room with an elegance Phil had never seen before. He greeted Dan with a chaste kiss and smiled like the sun shines on the earth.

Dan smiled, his eyes warm like a bright summer day. That was when Phil noticed the beautiful ring on his finger, shining like stars in the sky. Phil's entire world came crashing and crumbling down, all hopes withering and dying like squished flowers. He stood up abruptly, his blue eyes freezing over, his heart cold as ice.

Why was he even here? Dan had obviously moved on, leaving behind winter days. He had a home here. He had built a wonderful family for himself. Phil had no place here. He was a stranger. The realization killed him.

“I should go,” he whispered abruptly. He couldn't recognize his own voice. They sounded choked, broken, as if he were breaking down there and then. “I shouldn't have come.”

~*~

_“Our daughter is sick,” Dan said, sounding shocked, “I'm sure they'll understand.”_

_Phil was silent. He didn't look at Dan. _ _His heart was breaking and he avoided Dan's eyes as he stood up, his whole world narrowing down to two choices._

_“Phil . . .” Dan whispered softly, so delicately like little waves in a lake. “I need you.”_

_Phil stood up without a single word, walking away without looking back. He wondered if a day would come when he would regret it, regret letting him go, but that day was not today._

_Dan was stunned and his heart was ice cold._

_~*~_

The handsome man turned towards him, his forest green eyes kind and polite. “Who's this?” he asked Dan.

Dan was silent, his voice barely above a whisper as he said reluctantly. “Phil Lester. My ex-husband.”

The man appeared surprised, and he looked back and forth between the two of them, appearing to be feeling awkward. “Should I leave?” he asked softly to Dan, “If you want to talk to him, that's fine. I can go.”

Phil's throat squeezed up. He was hoping, wishing for him to be a complete douche. He wanted Dan's partner to be an asshole so he could make Dan see that he was better, that he could make Dan happier. His hopes burned away as he stared at the caring man beside Dan.

A wave of utter bitterness hit him. That was his place. It had always been his place, next to Dan. He belonged beside Dan, always. The way they both looked at each other was how Dan and Phil looked at each other a long time ago, with understanding and warmth and love. But now he was a complete stranger in his own home.

This was his home, the place where he belonged, but now it wasn't his home anymore, and he wanted to set fire to the entire place, watch it burn down to ashes right before his eyes.

Dan took a deep, deep breath, turning his warm gaze towards Phil. The warmth disappeared instantly, hidden behind a weary coldness. “I don't think there's anything left to talk about.”

In that moment, he knew for sure that the sun would never shine again.

An emptiness took hold of Phil and he nodded his head, choking out, “Yeah.”

The tall man stared at him in concern and Phil wanted to bash his head against the wall. “Do you want to stay for dinner?” he asked politely, “I don't mind. You don't have to leave because of me. You could . . . you could meet Leah.”

Phil shook his head. All he felt was a sharp nothingness. “It's fine. I should really go now. I'm already late. I, um, I have a . . .” All he wanted was to go home, to fall into his bed and mourn the things he had lost due to his stupidity and selfishness. Through the hurt and pain and tears, he searched for a viable excuse but couldn't find any. “I'll just go. It's better that way.”

The green-eyed man nodded understandingly. “Alright, but if you want to see your daughter . . .” he trailed off.

Phil smiled a bit sadly. “She's not my daughter anymore.” He turned towards Dan, looking at the face he knew by heart. He stared at Dan, at his brown eyes and rosy cheeks and pink lips, knowing he could never call Dan his again. Phil would never kiss those lips, or rake his fingers through his tousled curls. The intensity of that realization shook his very core, and he drank it in, accepting his unfortunate fate. “I'm sorry . . . for everything.”

For the first time in five years, he saw warmth in Dan's eyes towards him. He nodded silently, acknowledging the future they could've had together but didn't, accepting their torn relationship.

Phil gave him a tiny smile, and walked towards the door, Dan following him close behind. His frozen heart was slowly melting, and he knew then that he had gotten the closure he needed.

Phil stepped outside and stared at the sky. It was still a stormy grey like a typical winter day, but he could almost see the sun peeking out from behind the gloomy clouds.

Before leaving, he turned around, locking eyes with Dan, his eyes a bright blue, holding the storm above inside his orbs. “Dan,” he said, a nostalgic smile on his face. “If I could go back and choose all over again . . .”

Dan's eyes were intense and curious as he stared at Phil. “I would choose you.”

Dan was stunned, and Phil gave him a tight-lipped smile as he walked away from the home he had once known like the back of his hand. It was not where he belonged anymore, but he knew he would find a new home someday.

He knew that the sun would surely shine again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys! I've been working on this one-shot for over a year and I wrote and rewrote it many times. I wanted it to be angst with a happy ending but their relationship just refused to work in this story, I don't know why. In the end, I decided this was more realistic. They were lovers but they moved on, that's it. That's how it is most of the time. I'm happy with how it turned out. Thank you for reading! Please leave me a comment if you can and tell me what you think! I would really appreciate it if you do. Thank you :D


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